My brother and I turned 48 ten days ago. Our mother called him and left a happy birthday message on his voicemail. She didn’t call me.
I didn’t expect her to, actually. Our relationship is complicated and has been forever (i.e., as long as I can remember.)
She can be really nice, but not for very long. Not just to me, but it seems like I coax it out of her, somehow. Never deliberately though. I just don’t think we are suited for one another.
So most of the time she’s been absent from my life, and some of the time she’s been very nice to me. I remember a lot more of the former, sadly.
Sadly? Not, really. It’s too bad, for sure, but I have been accustomed to this for decades so it’s just part of the ebb and flow of our relationship.
In the last ten days, two emotions filled me:
- I was vexed for a couple of days. Nothing new. Each time she plays favourite feels like a slap to my face and it hurts for a bit.
- I now feel liberated and much much lighter.
How did I go from one emotion to the other? I simply chose to stop caring about this: I chose to give her up.
I am aware that in doing so I renounce any hope for a healthy mother-daughter dynamic, and that I will regret it when it’s too late. But on the other hand, I did try very hard for so long and, it was probably never going to happen. So I closed that book and shelved it. I am no longer in the expectation. I am lighter, free-er, and less sad.