Category: health

Doing something else –but what?

These days, I wish I knew other things so I could consider a career change. Instead, I often long for something else, brood, and sweep the thought away to do what I have to do, because that is a better use of time and energy.

I suspect it would be easier if I knew what else I’d like to do. Even better if I could readily do other things. As to learning new things, well, I don’t feel like I’m up to the effort, and I have not the faintest idea what.

I like my work, however, and so find puzzling that I should yearn for something else. The work is varied, challenging and interesting, the people are wonderful, the mission is a constant inspiration.

Perhaps it’s the long hours. Budgets have been shrinking, and so has the size of our team. Our workload, on the other hand hasn’t. Quite the opposite, it seems. Perhaps it’s the fact I have been around almost 16 years. I have been so lucky to progress in several teams and assume various positions. I’ve been in the team I’m in now for almost 10 years, full time for 7 years, and I have done so many different things and am doing so many other different things that it is truly mind-blowing. No, what I mean is the absolute time it represents.

The Consortium is twenty years old. It’s marvelous it’s still there, and its agenda is full to the brim. If I were to change jobs, wouldn’t it be perfect if it were before I’m in my forties?

Aha! I get it. This is a sort of mid-life work crisis, I’m having. Perhaps.

Sur le terrain vague de l’ancienne laiterie

— Arrête de crapoter ! s’exclame-t-il, passablement excédé.

C’est un jeune garçon, il semble, dont la voix n’a pas mué. Il s’adresse à un autre garçon, dont la voix est encore plus enfantine.

Il y a un collège pas loin d’ici, alors ils se planquent sur le terrain vague de l’ancienne laiterie, à l’ombre des chênes, pour partager une clope. Ils sont juste derrière l’épaisse haie au fond du jardin.

J’aimerais apparaître devant eux et leur dire de crapoter –mieux, de jeter leur mégot, leur paquet de clopes et leur briquet, et d’aller se démarquer différemment. Faites du hip-hop si c’est votre truc, les gars !

Alors qu’ils continuent une conversation lambda, je songe à mes années collège.

Si un adulte est apparu alors que je clopais dans l’allée contiguë à la sortie de l’école, je l’ai oublié. S’il a parlé, j’ai oublié ce qu’il a dit. J’ai même oublié avec qui j’ai commencé à cloper.

In all fairness

In all fairness, unfairness sucks.

This is really pushing my buttons. I think I was raised that way, being a twin. During childhood, the master word at home always was ‘equity’. I became highly sensitive to unfairness, yet my twin brother seemingly didn’t.

Years after years of being a grown-up and living in the real life, I’ve softened, but only by a fraction. Unfairness affects me far more than I wish it would, in my personal life and to a lesser degree in my professional life.

Because I don’t do well with confrontations, I reason a lot with myself, in pursuit of the right balance between an unfortunate situation and the bright side I can hold on to. For the greater good, or out of cowardice, I yield, hoping I can keep up with the choice I made, and hoping the effort is acknowledged. But too much unfairness, I can’t cope with ; there is just so much I can take. Sometimes I burst and the balance is broken.

Practices become habits, or systematic reactions start creeping into my everyday life, shaping an uncomfortable order. To avoid this, and preserve the balance, I try as much as possible to give hints or warnings that a situation is not ideal for me and that the balance is in jeopardy. But what is a significant effort or concession from me, is not necessarily reciprocated and my hints are ineffective. The value –or cost– of the status-quo is hardly ever the same for the involved parties.

Fortunately, it doesn’t happen frequently. Unfortunately, it’s distressing and overwhelming when it happens.

Snowphobia and hypnosis

This is an entry on snowphobia and a failed hypnosis session some years ago.

I have snowphobia. I like snow (although it’s cold and I prefer things hot :). It’s walking and driving on slippery surfaces that freak me out.

There was a very local hailstorm over the Sophia Antipolis area last night and when I drove to the office this morning I was surprised the area was all white. At first it was beautiful. I was safely driving on ploughed roads.

But at the round-about near the office, the ice was there to meet my tires and it was no longer beautiful but unnerving. I did well. I “beached” my car where I could, blocking two others (leaving a note to the attention of the owners with my cellphone number on it, and it was tempting to add “and please, move my car yourself if it’s in your way” ;).

This reminds me of the failed hypnosis session that occured back in December 2004. Being impaired by my phobia, I did the sensible thing and made an appointment with a doctor who practiced hypnosis.

He made me sit on a comfortable leather armchair, rest my hands on my thighs, close my eyes and listen to his monotonous and quiet voice.

He made me imagine I was in a place I like and I was feeling good about it. So I was on a large beach of white sand, taking a nice walk and enjoying the warm breeze, the small number of people (at a good distance) and the melodic sound of the waves.

Then he made me go in my car for an enjoyable ride. He said it was starting to rain but I was safe. The rain was light and I was comfortable driving. Then I drove down a slope and I was still safe, and I was still enjoying myself. Then he made me go back to the beach.

I got off the car and was to transfer my fears on framed pictures. I was to carry the pictures to the air balloon that was moored on the beach. I carried the frames and put them in the basket. I cut the moorings and saw the air balloon lifting up.

At this point my friend Dino suddenly appeared in the basket and was waving bye bye, smiling at me!

I backtracked quickly to the previous scene so as to re-do it again, Dino-free. But there he was again! appearing in the basket of the air balloon and waving bye bye while smiling.

That was the end of the session. Too bad it was ruined so close to the end!

The doctor was confident that would do it. But in case I was still frightened to drive on frozen surfaces or snow, I was to schedule another appointment with him. I am still very uncomfortable with snow, ice and all slippery surfaces, but I never scheduled another appointment.